Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
