I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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