One girl and one boy is just not enough.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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