I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
