I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
