WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
