Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
