i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
