His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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