Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
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