Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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