I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
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Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
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I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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