Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
