this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
