So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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