you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
