Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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