I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
