My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
