one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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