Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
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