dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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