When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
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Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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