I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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