Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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