I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
