Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
