He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
