I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
