I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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