I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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