Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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