I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
