I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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