okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
