I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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