So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
