I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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