we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
