I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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