Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
