she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
