He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
