I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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