and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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