I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
