Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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