The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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