if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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