Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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