im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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