life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
