my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
