he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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