I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
