9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
